Had my second session of PT this afternoon (apologies for not mentioning the first, but it left me with PTSD so I thought it best not to rehash it here). For those of you who've never had PT, perhaps you've been lulled into thinking it's pretty awesome. People talk about "massage" and "foam rolling" and "ultrasound." Those things sound so pleasant and gentle. Ahhh, massage. And ooh, soft foam. And ultrasound, gentle enough for a fetus. Let me tell you, these are lies. This is what the "massage" aspect of physical therapy actually entails:
Therapist, pressing on afflicted appendage: How does this feel?
Claire: Um, that's okay, I guess.
Therapist, moving to a different spot on same appendage: How about here?
Claire: That's a little tight.
Therapist, moving further down the limb: And how about he-
Claire: JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH, THAT'S AGONIZING! ARE YOUR FINGERS MADE OF RAZOR BLADES?
Therapist, throwing all of her weight onto the most sensitive spot: Okay, let's work this out...
Meanwhile, foam rolling involves putting all of one's own weight down on a firm foam cylinder and rolling back and forth on the floor. It's worth noting that:
1. As a birthday present to myself, yesterday I ate cookies for breakfast, cake at work, chocolate my sister sent me, and pizza for dinner. And beer. So my own weight isn't at post-stomach flu levels today.
2. In addition to pressing your ailing limb (in my case, leg) against a hard foam tube, foam rolling also engages your upper body; as your legs are immobilized by being pressed against the roller, you must use your arms to pull yourself along the floor to get the rolling effect. I realize this must be hard to visualize if you aren't familiar with foam rolling. You know in the Thriller video, when the zombies are crawling out of the graveyard and the manholes and where ever else zombies come from to go get MJ and his date? And they're dragging their sorry, half-dead selves along, with random body parts falling off and flopping on the ground? That's what it looks like.
3. There are other patients in the studio while this is going on.
Thus far, I haven't had to go through ultrasound in conjunction with this round of PT, but having had it before, I assure you, it's seriously screwed up. They lather you up with that gel stuff you see on A Baby Story on TLC, then press the cold ultrasound wand into you, spreading the goop all over your shorts, the towels, the table, and the hands of the ultrasound technician, who is without fail a creepy, overweight older man. Unlike a baby ultrasound (my understanding of which is based entirely on the bits of TV documentaries on birth and babies I catch when I don't have my hands over my eyes), there is no monitor to see what's going on in there, so for all you know, there's a little alien face living inside your quad. Horrifying.
Another weird thing about PT is that there are always old ladies there. Yes, I mean older than my 27 years, which I know is ancient. This surprised me the first time I went, because you wouldn't think old ladies suffer from many sports injuries. But I guess since they're old ladies, they have a lot of regular old lady type injuries. Sprained wrists from carrying groceries and what not. But it seems to me that the old ladies never get the kind of treatment that leaves them crying out in pain. I'm in there with my pants off, getting poked and prodded and bended and stretched, screaming (sounds like last weekend - HEYO! Sorry, Mom and Dad...), while Betty Ann with the blue hair is using the hand bike while watching The Price Is Right. Is it a Medicaid thing? Can I do something to guarantee my insurance only covers the easy, non-painful stuff?
Anyway, I've now spent five paragraphs talking about PT without mentioning whether or not I think it's of any use to me and my thrown off legume alignments. Well. I made it through 8 1/2 miles on Sunday before I started to feel the jabbing pain and instability, which is an improvement over last week, when things started getting wonky 6 miles in. But 8 1/2 miles is still almost 18 short of a marathon. And while I managed to grit it out for the last 1 1/2 miles on Sunday, that's not quite the same. Which is unfortunate... But I'm optimistic and have been tackling the mileage as prescribed. This week's LSD is back up to 16 miles, which should be a good test of how my recovery is going. Given that I'll be celebrating Cate's birthday at Hill Country on Saturday night, it will also answer the age-old question: is barbecue and beer a good pre-run fuel? Yes, I realize I already gathered some fairly conclusive evidence on the matter (and nearly shat myself in the process) at the Country Music Half Marathon last year, but as Obama says, this is our Sputnik moment, and I'll be damned if I don't embody the scientific curiosity and enduring quest for knowledge that should define our nation. You're welcome, Mr. President.
I wonder how many before me have used "shat myself," "Sputnik," and "enduring quest for knowledge" in the same sentence...
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LOL......... Work it out! BBQ and beer, I'm waiting to see how that works out.
ReplyDeleteI once had to get an ultrasound as a kid b/c I had some kind of bladder problem (I forget what; I think they thought it was a problem but then all turned out to be fine?). Anyway, they told me that I had to drink something like 8 glasses of water BEFORE I could get the ultrasound. For a little kid, that is A TON of water! I dutifully did as told, but was crossing my legs the entire time I was waiting, and then nearly wet myself when they started pressing on my stomach. The technician was like "wow, you get the full bladder award of the day!" when she saw my ultrasound, and I was so upset; I said "I JUST DID WHAT YOU TOLD ME!" So frustrating.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, beer and barbecue is fabulous for a post-run meal. As long as it's good beer! I am so sick of doing a marathon and getting offered something like a Bud Light at the end. Worthless.
LOL! Have a beer or two before you go in next time. It takes the pain away..... ;-)
ReplyDeleteI totally had BBQ and Beer as pre-run fuel before a 17 miler that had to be done on a weekend in Austin. It won't feel amazing, but you'll get it done.
ReplyDeleteHAHA. I was really having a shitting morning until I read this post. Stay away from the BBQ, beer is good, BBQ bad, before a run (unfortunate personal experience).
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