Brew Review: Keegan Ales' Mother's Milk

I'm gonna come right out and say it: why in God's name would you decide to call a beer "Mother's Milk?" Hell, why would you name anything meant for human consumption Mother's Milk besides actual breast milk? Do you have any idea what kind of freak I felt like when I bought this tonight? The 2 dudes in the beer aisle took a couple steps away from me when I reached for this six pack. I swear to you, I very nearly didn't buy it because of that horrifying name. Get the marketing people at Keegan Ales on the horn; I gotta speak to someone about this. Jesus.

Anyway, here I am at home with Mother's Milk, which heretofore will be known as Badass Beer (if that name isn't already taken by an actual beer, I've got dibs on it!):

You'll note I didn't wait for you to begin sampling. Anyway, I selected Badass Beer tonight because a) I love stout, b) I promised I'd only drink American beers this week, and c) I couldn't pass up an opportunity to rip on the single worst name for a product I can imagine. Seriously. No one who's getting stinking drunk wants to think about all the love and energy and support their mother put into their upbringing, only to have it washed away with a game of flip cup. It's like naming a condom after your dad. HOLY GOD I WISH I HAD NOT JUST SUGGESTED THAT. (takes deep swig of Badass Beer).

When I poured a pint of Badass Beer, I was delighted at the rich color (true story: I squealed aloud). For me, the closer a beer resembles coffee (or Diet Coke, depending on your caffeinated beverage of choice), the more I like it.

I should stop here for a quick note on stouts: lots of people, and particularly lots of young women I know, are put off by stouts. Generally, I feel that's their loss and means more for me. But when I'm feeling magnanimous, I'll try to point out that dark color and intense flavor aren't necessarily related; in fact, it's the copper and amber ales, like IPAs, that have the most bitter and hoppy tastes. And this whole nonsense of stouts filling you up more is ridiculous; ladies, I've watched you consumed entire 30 racks of Bud Light, so don't tell me about being full from a couple pints at PJ Clarkes. No one ever believes me though, so I'm free to drink the tap dry.

So, back to the Badass Beer: I poured myself a pint and squealed with delight at the color. I took the first sip... and the second, because I was thirsty after my walk home... and was very pleased with the results. A little chocolatey. Mellow. Like a warm hug. From your Mom. Oh my God, it all makes sense! Still, bad name.

The one thing I will say about Guinness over other stouts (full disclosure: Guinness is my favorite beer) is that the head sort of makes the experience. After you get that Guinness mustache, the whole drinking process is that much better. The whole pint seems thicker and warmer. And it doesn't have a name that makes you want to pull an Oedipus.

In summation, thanks to the Hudson Valley's Brewery for giving me something to brighten up my night. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to finish this grant application, which should get better and better as I work my way through this sixer. If you don't hear from me in the morning, it's because I stayed up working too late to get up for a run.