Friday, January 24, 2014

F*%k That Friday: Coffee in a Bag

Things have been going pretty well for me lately: running hasn't killed me, and I haven't wanted to kill it; I've mastered the delicate balance of respectable social life versus wine and Scandal with my cat on the couch in sweatpants of questionable cleanliness; I remain gainfully employed, appropriately housed, and nutritiously fed (assuming I'm absorbing loads of nutrients through booze and cheese); and my hair is looking awesome even though conditions of late have been ripe for static and hat head.  All that won't stop me from complaining, however.  It's time for another edition of F*%k That Friday!

Imagine, if you will, the scene:

Entrepreneurial New York deli owner sees, morning after morning, harried commuters with their hands full of briefcases and newspapers and whatever else was in the hands of people before iPads.  "These people need coffee, but their hands are full.  How can I solve this problem?  I KNOW!  I'll deliver scalding, overfull cups of coffee to the hands of people dressed in their business finest via PAPER BAGS!"


Entrepreneurial New York deli owner, F*%k That.  Your decision to put a cup of hot liquid into a bag made of a material noted for deteriorating in liquid, thereby setting the precedent for New York breakfast purveyors everywhere, has made my life and the world I live in a worse place.  Is this just a New York thing?  If so, and you're considering moving to New York, don't.  You'll be coming to a place where your $1650 apartment whose walls you can touch with your two arms extended will be filled with clothes covered in coffee stains, all of which have to be dry cleaned because OF COURSE you were wearing a silk shirt/white coat/suede loafers/everything non machine washable on your way to work in the pouring rain, juggling your bag and umbrella while responding to an urgent email from your CEO who wants to know why you screwed up that huge project and you thought maybe, just maybe, today would be the day the paper bag would somehow not result in spilled coffee everywhere.  Hypothetically speaking, of course.  That's not an exact description of my life, at all.

This was yesterday. It was even browner when it dried.
So, to coffee served in a paper bag, I offer a heartfelt F*%k That.  Happy Friday, kids.  Better ask for extra napkins.


  1. hey at least you were wearing a cool scarf

  2. I assume you've told the people at the deli that this is stupid and unsafe and "don't put the coffee in the bag". As much as I hate to say it, but where are the lawyers that should be all over these guys? Are they all busy changing into unstained clothes and running to the dry cleaners?

  3. Let's get straight to the important is it that your hair looks awesome? Tell me what you're doing!! (That probably sounds screechy and desperate. This is what my hair has reduced me to...)

    1. This stuff is my jam: I have a super greasy dome and I swear even though this is called leave in conditioner it doesn't leave me looking like my head is made of spaghetti in olive oil.

  4. This is definitely a New York thing! I live in TX and have only ever experienced the coffee in a paper bag when visiting NYC.

    What's funny is that I think it's convenient. So much easier to carry than those cardboard trays that Starbucks gives you! I have yet to experience the leak-through, I guess. Maybe because I'm not carrying it very far, usually just from the deli/bodega back across the street to my hotel room.