Finished my run feeling pretty perky for the early hour and headed upstairs to lift. Most unfortunately, I was confronted with the gruesome reality that spinning meets at 6:30 on Wednesday mornings. I HATE spinning. For several reasons, which I will list here:
1) Rebranding - "Spinning?" Really? Since when is this activity not "stationary bike riding?" I don't know when this pursuit was rebranded, or what idiot came up with this idea, but it's among the dumbest things I've ever heard. Changing the name doesn't mask the fact that it's still among the worst things you can do in a gym (for reasons I'll delineate below). Under such precept, what I engage in is not "running" but "stomping" or "urban trailblazing." Furthermore, I could go ahead and change my email signature to read "Claire C. Walsh, Money Hunter." At the end of the day, I'm still spending my 45 hours a week coming up with synonyms for "generous" and "support." It's stationary bike riding people. Let's not kid ourselves.
2) Pain factor - Let me be the first to put it out there that running 26.2 miles doesn't feel that good. Your toenails get black. Your body chafes anywhere there is a seam, stitch, or other mild irritant. I've come close to actually shitting myself more than once. But I run marathons just twice a year. Why in God's name would someone elect to participate in a weekly athletic class that gives you CHRONIC PAIN OF THE CROTCH? I don't get it. Unless you're a triathlete (which is questionable on it's own, but a marathoner can't really judge), a physical therapy patient, or a child under the age of 12, you shouldn't be riding a bike, especially not indoors. Which brings me to another point.
3) The studio - As I've mentioned, running on a treadmill sucks, and I'd much rather be outdoors. But at least I have that option. The whole concept behind "spinning" is that it's indoors. That's idiotic. Who in their right mind would say "here's an outdoor activity that some people like because it gives them the chance to enjoy the beautiful weather where ever they live. Let's adapt it and remove the last shred of desirability from it." These people deliberately congregate in a room with all the lights turned off, crammed in 30 deep, staring at the sweaty backs of the people in front of them until their genitals are numb. I will make an occasional exception for those who bike as a means to see new and interesting things, but spinning class is absolutely out of the question.
4) The instructor - This is my big problem, and the true fuel for my rant this morning. I wish I had been keeping track of how many mornings my lifting session has been ruined by the spinning instructor, who leaves the studio door open and then spends an hour shouting "Here we go! 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Now sprint! 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1." You know what's annoying? When you're lifting, counting the reps in your head, and get to 9 as the spinning instructor starts her countdown at 8. Suddenly, you're back at 1 with no recollection of how it is you got there and arms that are quivering from doing 40,000 reps you don't even remember doing! It's infuriating. And unnecessary. There's music playing in the studio FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE of giving these spinners a beat and means of counting. It's beyond unjust to both subject me to the Golden Girls Theme Song techno remix AND scream out numbers at random intervals. "Thank thank you for being a friend friend friend friend friend."
It's Wednesday. Let's do this people.
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